Domestic violence and Netflix’s ‘Dirty John’: What is Coercive Control?

Gry Apeland is part of Youthscape’s Centre for Research. She has an MSc in Psychology of Coercive Control from the University of Salford, and an BSc in Psychology from the University of York. A volunteer youth worker, she has worked with victims of Child Sexual Exploitation who have experienced coercive control.

A few months ago a Netflix drama series aired titled “Dirty John”. Based on real events, the true-crime show documents the relationship between Debra Newell and her new partner John Meehan, and the havoc Meehan causes in Debra’s family. Fairly quickly, John Meehan is able to insert himself as a big part of the Newell family, to Debra’s daughters’ discomfort, and starts exhibiting controlling and disturbing behaviour. With charm, wit, coercion and control, he is able to keep a firm grip on Debra, her relationship to her family, and her finances for quite some time. Despite never once laying a hand on Debra or her daughters, they start feeling threatened and that he is capable of more than he shows. The series culminates in the (spoiler alert) dramatic scene of him attempting to stab Debra’s daughter after having been excluded from the family.

What is coercive control?

John displays a pattern of behaviour recently included in British law called “Coercive Control”. According to the Serious Crime Act (2015), coercive behaviour is a “continuing act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim”, and controlling behaviour is “a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.” This legislation recognised that physical abuse was not the only thing marking a domestically violent relationship that has the power to seriously inflict damage on a person’s psyche.

Forms of this behaviour can be found in most types of abuse; child sexual exploitation, sexual grooming, domestic violence, gangs, cults, and spiritual abuse. It is often the reason why abuse is able to happen in relationships in the first place, and why psychological abuse by someone you know tends to be more traumatic than abuse by a stranger. If someone stepped out of the shadows in front of you and attacked you, you wouldn’t then initiate a relationship with them. Yet individuals regularly stay in relationships with people who physically hurt them. This is due to the time and effort that has been spent building trust, intimacy and isolation, whilst using subtle coercive tactics, like breaking down their sense of self and confidence. The victim is already somewhat dependent on their abuser by the first attack. Often the physical abuse never happens, which is why the new law is so important. The recognition that those in coercive and controlling relationships might also be in danger, even without any physical abuse, will hopefully allow more agencies like social services and the police to take action earlier and in more cases.

Normalising control

Dirty John is not the only TV-show portraying coercive control. Whilst this show is important in that it recognises the danger of this pattern of behaviour, it is by no means the only in which it is present. Structured reality TV shows like Love Island, Made in Chelsea and The Only Way is Essex have for years seen occurrences of this type of behaviour, although arguably on a less serious scale. The toxicity in some of these relationships has often been normalised, or laughed at, despite being serious and abusive. This is worrying both because of the wellbeing of the people taking part in these shows, but also because the young people watching these shows might see this as normal behaviour.

It should not be a surprise then when young people start exhibiting the same behaviours in turn. Cross-cultural studies have shown that young people in the UK, as well as in four other countries (Norway, Italy, Bulgaria and Cyprus) experience online and offline surveillance and control, sexual pressure and verbal abuse on a regular basis, as well as taking part in this behaviour themselves, and this is regarded as normal (STIR, 2015).